At the end of Chapter One, the young narrator muses on his desire to become dusk. He wants to return to the place where he was born and where his mother was born, but he knows that no one will ever want to see a "ugly woman with nothing" . He asks his mother to stop using the "lip stick" in her hands, but she refuses. He tells his mother that he wants to become the "she.de" , and he asks her not to leave the "lips" in his hands. He explains that he wanted to get rid of Atae and his friends so that he could become "sukeyo," but that he did not tell Kingo about his desire. He says that the way he sees things is the same as the way people see them. He believes that both things are ugly and beautiful are grotesque, and that they need to stop being dictated by them. The narrator says that he threw away all of the things in his life that made him feel beautiful, and now he feels like a "monster crawl" out of his body.